Bed of Lies
by Pandora North Star
Summary: After 5 years together Spike decides it's time to move on from Buffy.


Bed of Lies  
  
  
  
  
  
Title: Bed of Lies   
  
By: Pandora North Star/ Matchbox 20   
  
Rating: PG   
  
Notes: Spike PoV. What if he and Buffy got togetger.   
  
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies   
  
So toss me out and turn in   
  
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes   
  
I'm marking it down to learning   
  
I am   
  
I stood up. I looked down at the sleeping form of Buffy. She was beautiful still but she was getting older. Her eyes twitched as she slept and an occasional hand was flung out as she dreamed. I leaned over and touched her fine features then went to the dresser. I began piling my clothing into an open suitcase at my feet hoping I didn't wake her. That would end up in a huge discussion and maybe a violent argument, something I usually enjoy. But in truth I was tired of them. The way we always circled back to reality. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, I was trying to find the strength I needed to leave, to get away from her.   
  
Don't think that I can take another empty moment   
  
Don't think I can take another   
  
Hollow smile   
  
It's not enough just to be sorry.   
  
Don't think that I could take   
  
Another talk about it   
  
Had it really been 5 years ago she was dead and buried? Yet here she was with me now. Back from the grave inexplicably like Angel had been. Angel. That name didn't haunt enough. Angel who wouldn't believe she would ever come back. Angel who drove her to my willing arms. Angel who drove a knife into my already gaping emotional wound. It had been great when he had first been with her. I pretended it didn't matter than she didn't love him. I had her in my arms didn't he?   
  
Just like me you got needs   
  
And they're only a whisper away   
  
And we softly surrender   
  
To these lives that we've   
  
Tendered away   
  
Then the fighting started. We wouldn't speak for days at a time. But then we had to make up. For the lust. For the loneliness. Giles had left after she had died again. There was another Slayer in the world. 3 now. It was strange wasn't it. Like they were building an army. I was the only one who could fight next to her. Anya. Xander. Off on a honeymoon and then becoming newlyweds. It all hurt her. She was going to be left behind until she finally died, for good. That's why I was there. I was left behind too. I wasn't changing. I wasn't going anywhere.   
  
No I would not sleep in this   
  
Bed of lies   
  
So toss me out and turn in   
  
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes   
  
I'm marking it down to learning   
  
I am   
  
"Spike?" I turned. She was sitting up looking all the part of a child. "Where are you going?"   
  
"I'm leaving." I shut the bag. I had left a few things. Didn't matter.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"You know why. It's time. We can't do this anymore." I looked in the mirror. Her reflection stared back at me. I wasn't there. I wasn't real.   
  
"What do you mean?" Innocent question. It was a trap. She didn't want me to go. She didn't want to be alone. She took me for granted. I didn't mind at first but I sure as hell do now.   
  
"We are wrong together. We were both lonely. It's the only thing that's keeping us together. And now that he's coming back soon..."   
  
"You mean Angel."   
  
"Who else? You'll inevitably go back to him as soon as he shanshus. I'm saving us the pain and leaving now. You never loved me Buffy. Should have taken a clue from Captain Cardboard. You can't love anybody from him. But I tried. So have a good life with him."   
  
Don't want to be the one who turns the whole thing over   
  
Don't want to be somewhere where I just don't belong   
  
Where it's not enough to say I'm sorry   
  
"Spike." She had let me get to the door with my bag. The sheet was drawn up around her smooth skin. Her Slayer body. It made me hot yet I was disgusted. She used guys. Maybe she didn't know better.   
  
"What?"   
  
"I don't want him anymore. I want you. You. You were here through it all. You stayed when the others didn't."   
  
"Sing me a new song pet. You say that every time we argue. It doesn't work anymore. I only stayed because I didn't have anywhere else to go. Mistake it for caring. I don't care." Break it off cleanly. Break her heart. Just get the hell out of there.   
  
"Please." She was going to cry. Great. Waterworks. "I love you."   
  
"No you don't. You lust for me. You need me. You worked with me. But you don't love me." I shook my head. I knew this was going to happen.   
  
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in   
  
Tried to be more than me   
  
And I gave til it all went away   
  
And we've only surrendered to the worst part of these winters we've made   
  
"Where are you going?" she didn't deny it.   
  
"I don't know. I'm not sure."   
  
"Will you ever come back?"   
  
"I don't know." She got up. She came over. God she was going to touch me. Would I still make ti away? She rested her head on my shoulder. Her eyes looked up into mine.   
  
"I'll miss you. I may not have ever loved you the way you loved me. But you were good to me. I'll miss you."   
  
"I'll miss you too." We kissed. A kiss to last me however long. "Be strong Slayer." I pried her off me and headed down the stairs. She stayed. Good. She watched me go out. Don't turn back. Don't ever turn back. Across the grass. Pale moonlight bathing me. Smells cold. Smells like autumn. My car. The bag is inside. Starting it up. I'm leaving. Oh my god. I can't. I have too. Goodbye Buffy.   
  
I am all that I'll ever be   
  
When you lay your hands over me   
  
But don't go weak on me now   
  
I know that it's weak   
  
But God help me I need this   
  
I will not sleep in this bed of lies   
  
I've been gone 3 months now. I hope she's ok. I can't contact her. It wouldn't be good. I miss her like crazy. Maybe I'm crazy for leaving. I couldn't sleep in that bed of lies anymore though. 


End file.
